Oh my goodness, Megan Fox, what have you done? I can tell you part of what you’ve done … and you’re going to have to just go ahead and surmise the rest for yourself, because wow. Girl.

No, what you did was unexpectedly get pregnant, drop off the radar and didn’t exploit your pregnancy for all it was worth (like you just know some people have done and—ahem—are going to do), disappeared after your little son was born and then, when you finally did emerge, it was like this new person took your place. It was like everything formerly Megan Fox had dropped away, and there was this demure, intelligent, in touch person in Megan Fox’s place, who luckily looked the same as Megan Fox. I almost had a brain crush on Megan Fox for a minute, especially when she said that she wasn’t going to be posing in bikinis anymore—for the sake of her son, of course.

This new spread and interview with Esquire, though? Holy hell. It’s … well, here. This is what it is. Here’s Megan talking about Lindsay Lohan:

    “She [Marilyn] was sort of like Lindsay [Lohan]. She was an actress who wasn’t reliable, who almost wasn’t insurable … She had all the potential in the world, and it was squandered. I’m not interested in following in those footsteps.”

On what it’s like to be famous:

    “I don’t think people understand. They all think we should shut the f**kk up and stop complaining because you live in a big house or you drive a Bentley. What people don’t realize is that fame, whatever your worst experience in high school, when you were being bullied by those ten kids in high school, fame is that, but on a global scale, where you’re being bullied by millions of people constantly.”

On posing half-naked all the time, and then making the decision to not (after this shoot, of course):

    “I felt powerless in that image. I didn’t feel powerful. It ate every other part of my personality, not for me but for how people saw me, because there was nothing else to see or know. That devalued me. Because I wasn’t anything. I was an image. I was a picture. I was a pose.”

On her belief the prior-mentioned leprechauns and other things:

    “I like believing. I believe in all of these Irish myths, like leprechauns. Not the pot of gold, not the Lucky Charms leprechauns. But maybe was there something in the traditional sense? I believe that this stuff came from somewhere other than people’s imaginations … Loch Ness monster? There’s something to it. … I [also] believe in aliens.”

On the bible:

    “I’ve read the Book of Revelation a million times,” Megan Fox says. “It does not make sense, obviously. It needs to be decoded. What is the dragon? What is the prostitute? What are these things? What is this imagery? What was John seeing? And I was just thinking, What is the Antichrist?”

And, ahem, on speaking tongues in church:

    “I have seen magical, crazy things happen. I’ve seen people be healed. Even now, in the church I go to, during Praise and Worship I could feel that I was maybe getting ready to speak in tongues, and I’d have to shut it off because I don’t know what that church would do if I started screaming out in tongues in the back.”