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  • Gilbert Gottfried Reveals His Gigantic Schlong and Tells Me How to Get Fired Over Twitter

    Gilbert Gottfried is the king of it. When I approached him a few years ago at the Friars Club about how more fans are bothering celebrities to get pictures on their phones, here's how the encounter went down. (This never made it to print. You'll probably see why.)

    Mandy: "What do you think of people who ask to take pictures with celebrities? I mean I've done it with you."

    Gilbert: "I beg your pardon. You've done it with me? I should've remembered!"

    Mandy: "Every which way. But no. In the age of Facebook, people take pictures of celebrities and put it online like, 'Oh look it's me hanging out with my buddy; we hang out all the time.' So do you have advice for fans about how to approach you?"

    Gilbert: "Well one day someone's going to ask to have their picture taken with me, and then I'll let you know."

    Mandy: "Shut up."

    Gilbert: "No, you shut up. You shut the fuck up. Fuck you. You shut up. Fuck you. Fuck you. You jerk."

    (Hysterical laughter.)

    Mandy: "OK, I will fuck myself, and I’ll shut up. You know I took a picture with you once, and you made me go to the back of Caroline's."

    Gilbert: "I always feel like whenever anyone takes a picture of me, it’s like they’re hoping, 'Well, just in case he pulls out a gun and shoots people, like blows up a school building or something, I’ll have a picture of him that I can show, and then it’ll be worth something.'"

    Mandy: "Well, you’re famous, come on."

    Gilbert: "Yes, yes I am. I’m pretty famous."

    I realize that some people think that there are certain things that shouldn't be joked about -- like a shooting spree, say -- but to me, potentially offensive humor about incredibly dark subjects is one of the most liberating things in the world. It de-claws the power of the awfulness of the subject matter, breaking down the fear and power and stigma.

    So when I saw Gilbert recently, at the roast of Anthony Bourdain (where the lovely Bonnie McFarlane brought me as a guest), I asked if I could do a quickie interview for xoJane, and he, naturally, responded by saying how enormous his penis is. I turned my iPhone on, and captured him in his element.

    Gilbert: "My penis is about 37 inches, and that's just in width."

    Mandy: "How does that affect your comedy?"

    Gilbert: "It affects it because it's harder and harder to climb up on stage. I usually need to put it in a wheelbarrow, and sometimes I have an entourage just to carry my penis."

    When I told him that one of the main search terms that leads people to xoJane is "tiny penis," Gilbert's only advice for those men in bed was to make "lots and lots of money."

    But my favorite tidbit he gave me was when I asked if he gave any sexual tips -- as someone so blessed with a 37-inch-wide cock -- in his very funny new book "Rubber Balls and Liquor," and Gilbert said, "Yes, I give advice on tweets to send out."
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