Fridays are typically a slow news day, so you’ll be surprised to learn that Kim Kardashian was conveniently flour bombed last night during the launch of her new perfume so of course that’s all anyone is talking about this morning because if there’s one thing we’re all good at in this entertainment biz, it’s being lazy and predictable. On that note, Kim isn’t even pressing charges and E! is hard at work painting this poor woman as a crazed fur activist even though she was most likely a poor immigrant promised untold riches in America by a lying serpent of a woman:
OFFICER: I can’t get this one to crack. She won’t speak English. Send in El Guapo.
EL GUAPO: I am already here. *descends from ceiling light, removes sombrero*
OFFICER: Can you get her to talk?
EL GUAPO: I shall speak to her in her own tongue. Señora! ¿Te dirá El Guapo por qué tirar la harina a la mujer con la culata de un camello? [Will you tell El Guapo why you throw flour at woman with the ass of a camel?]
WOMAN: Me dijeron que podría haber puesto a preparar al wookie una. [They said I could have a job grooming the Wookiee one.]
EL GUAPO: Se le mintió. El Kardashians no tienen honor. Su familia es la de un urinario que los hombres orinar en libertad. Ahora, ¿quién le paga? [You were lied to. The Kardashians have no honor. Their family is that of a urinal that men piss on freely. Now who paid you?]
WOMAN: It was the plastic one with the dried up puta! *spits on the floor*
EL GUAPO: A HA!
OFFICER: You’ve done it again, El Guapo.
EL GUAPO: And so I have. And so I have…