When it comes to dealing with pregnant women, I'm no expert. Hell, I still don't even know how to figure out women in general. In fact, I'm the antithesis of an expert. Luckily for you, I've made just about every single stupid mistake and placed my foot so far in my mouth during my wife's pregnancies that I'm overqualified to speak to you about things you need to know to avoid getting knocked out by the knocked up.

Here are the 10 most important things to remember.

1. Feed her constantly.
Everyone knows food is important to pregnant women. But what the uninitiated might not realize is that time is of the essence. The bottom line is, when she says she's hungry, she means it. Feed that woman immediately or she will eat your f*cking face. Know that "I'm hungry" doesn't mean she's looking forward to the dinner plans you have in an hour. It means give her a snack before you leave for the restaurant. And then again when you get in the car. Failure to promptly produce snacks will result in extreme b*tchiness at best, and bodily injury at worst. Just turn yourself into a walking, talking vending machine for nine months and you'll be fine.

2. Food: What's yours is hers, what's hers is off-limits.
There's a good chance you've been married or together a few years now, so it's perfectly understandable that you bought into all that stuff about togetherness and sharing a life, etc. And while some of that still applies, all bets are off when it comes to food. If you eat food that's hers (or food you bought for yourself but she somehow claimed as hers), she will cut you. Not physically, perhaps, but by the time she's finished excoriating you you'll wish it was just a knife wound you suffered. I ate some of MJ's chocolate once, and when she went to find it during a craving and saw that it was gone, she flew into a rage that was one of the scariest things I've ever seen. Just don't do it.

3. Get ready to gain weight.
Notice how all the topics so far have involved food? That's no mistake. Ultimately, at some point, she'll have cravings. When MJ was pregnant with Will, she wanted pizza, Kit Kats and grapefruit. The second time around, it was nothing but fruit salad. But whatever the craving, one of the unmentioned side effects of pregnancy is YOUR weight gain. Yes, the guys gain weight, too. Mainly because we inevitably partake in our partners' cravings and all the extra junk food results in a spare tire. I gained 25 pounds during MJ's pregnancy five years ago, just a shade under the total amount she gained -- WITH THE BABY! So watch your step.

4. Don't point out how big she's getting.
My Boston sports habit notwithstanding, I'm a fairly logical person. I knew MJ was pregnant and pregnant women gain weight. That's why I thought absolutely nothing of pointing out my wife's really cute swollen belly. In my mind, it was just nature progressing and running its course, and there was nothing more beautiful. But after the first two or three times I said it, she snapped on me. "STOP TELLING ME I'M FAT! I KNOW I'M FAT! I DON'T NEED YOU POINTING IT OUT!!" It didn't matter that in my eyes she had never looked more beautiful, or that she was SUPPOSED to be gaining weight. Which leads me to my next point...

5. "Pregnancy Brain" is very real.
I know it sounds like some sort of cutesy, media-created term. But it's not. Pregnancy Brain is legit. It starts with everyday occurrences like looking for her glasses while they're on her head, which is kind of adorable. But it soon progresses to things like leaving the basement door open in 5-degree weather and freezing the entire bottom floor of the house while simultaneously leaving us susceptible to a home invasion. And in a fit of irony, I just asked MJ to give me more examples of Pregnancy Brain, but she couldn't -- because she can't remember.

6. Goodbye, sense of humor.
The good news is: she's gained a baby. The bad news? There wasn't enough room for the baby AND her sense of humor. If you're a smart-a** like I am, this is especially troubling, since I show affection by giving people good-natured sh*t. Unfortunately, my pregnant wife does not appreciate my unique brand of humor while carrying our little parasite around in her stomach. The results are often me firing off (what I consider to be) beautiful comedic quips and zingers, which don't just fall on deaf ears -- they fall on potentially homicidal ears. You've been warned.

7. Say goodbye to sex, too.
Listen to me carefully -- you're about to be sexually frustrated. The first trimester is by far the worst. It's when she'll be going through the most changes and feeling the sh*ttiest. It's everything she can do to avoid throwing up every morning (and sometimes at night), so your feeling unloved and "backed up" doesn't really register. So fire up the porn and give yourself a hand, because you're now a sex camel, my friend. The only silver lining is you'll have sex two times during the pregnancy. You have a one- to two-week window when her sex drive returns early in the second trimester. Enjoy that, because it's not happening again until very late in the pregnancy. Right at the end she'll be so desperate to get the baby out of her that she'll use you in the hopes that sex will send her into labor. It's slightly awkward, but after the drought it's a welcome relief -- as long as her water doesn't break right then and there.

8. Yes, her boobs are bigger; no, you can't touch them.
While we're on the topic of sex, let me tell you about one of nature's cruelest tricks. When a woman is carrying a child, it's a beautiful thing. That "pregnant glow" you always hear about is real, and it does wonders for her hair, her fingernails and -- her rack. A becomes C, B becomes D and C becomes Hallelujah Thank You Jesus! They swell up to gargantuan sizes, literally breaking bras at the seams and popping off her chest in a fit of Playboy glory. The only problem is, you're not allowed to touch them. It's like going to the pet store and seeing the cute puppies behind the glass but not being able to pet them. They're adorable and you want to take them home and keep them forever, but if you try to motorboat her puppies she will slap the sh*t out of you. Trust me.

9. Your dick can't hurt the baby.
Let's get this one out of the way right now -- your penis will have no effect on the baby in your wife's womb. Got that? I don't care if you're on par with Ron Jeremy, your dick is not going to scare the kid and it's certainly not going to poke him in the forehead. Not only that, but any suggestion to the contrary will send your pregnant wife into hysterics. And there's nothing more demoralizing than a conversation that involves your penis and hysterical laughter. So I'm told...

10. You will be replaced by pillows.
Did you spend a crap ton of money on a mattress? Some sort of memory foam or pillowtop deal that makes you feel like 1,000 little angels are massaging you as you fall asleep every night? Well, I hope you also spent money on a comfortable couch, because that's likely where you'll be sleeping for a decent part of the pregnancy. And it's not so much because of the increased space your pregnant wife takes up, either. It's the pillows. Yup, that's right. You become increasingly irrelevant as the pregnancy wears on, but the 37 pillows -- including that godforsaken full-body pillow -- become absolutely vital nighttime companions. And when push comes to shove, you're getting the shove to the sofa.

A woman was killed and at least 14 people were injured in two "low-intensity" explosions that took place on Guwahati-Bangalore Express at Chennai Central railway station on Thursday.


Cops and security officials stand near a passenger train in which two explosions occurred, at Chennai railway station.(Reuters photo)

Bomb detection and disposal squad personnel search cargo for explosives on the platform of Bangalore railway station after twin explosions killed one and injured several in Chennai. (AFP photo)

Blood lies splattered at a railway platform close to a passenger train that was ripped by two blasts at Chennai railway station. (AP photo)

Medics treat an injured passenger of a train blast at a hospital in Chennai.(AP photo)

Medics treat an injured passenger of a train blast at a hospital in Chennai.(AP photo)

A member of the bomb disposal squad examines the area next to a passenger train in which two explosions occurred at Chennai railway station. (Reuters photo)

Police and porters stand near the site of a bomb attack at a train station in Chennai. (AFP photo)

Swati (24), an assistant systems engineer at IT firm TCS, in blasts on Guwahati-Bangalore Express in Chennai. (HT photo)

Police and security officials examine the scene of a bomb attack at a train station in Chennai. (AFP photo)

A victim, who was injured in an explosion that occurred in a passenger train, lies in a hospital in Chennai. (Reuters photo)

People crowd at a railway station to get the glimpse of a passenger train in which two explosions occurred, in Chennai. (Reuters photo)

Police and train station workers stand near the site of a bomb attack at a train station in Chennai. (AFP photo)

A victim, who was injured in an explosion that occurred in a passenger train, lies in a hospital in Chennai. (Reuters photo)

A TV grab of the blast site at Chennai Central railway station. (Agencies)

A TV grab of the blast site at Chennai Central railway station. (Agencies)

Chennai railway station

A member of a bomb disposal squad with a sniffer dog examines a passenger train in which two explosions occurred, at Chennai Central railway station. (Reuters photo)

A policeman stands guard next to a passenger train in which two explosions occurred, at the railway station in Chennai. (Reuters photo)

Cops stand guard next to a passenger train in which two explosions occurred at the railway station in Chennai.(Reuters photo)
The Tamil Nadu Police detained a person for questioning. Authorities suspect the blasts were caused by bombs planted on the train, said M Bhupati, spokesperson of Southern Railway.

Condemning the blasts, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh said such "barbaric acts" highlight the "desperation and cowardice" of those responsible. He asserted that no efforts would be spared in bringing the perpetrators to justice.

Tamil Nadu chief minister and AIADMK leader J Jayalalithaa ordered a Crime Branch-CID probe, while the opposition DMK slammed the state government over law and order.

The woman killed in the blasts was identified as Swati, a 24-year-old engineer who had recently joined a leading software firm TCS in Bangalore. She was supposed to tie the knot after two months.

The first explosion took place around 10 minutes after the Guwahati-bound train, running one and a half hours late, chugged into platform number nine at Chennai Central around 7am. The second blast was heard within a few seconds.

"They were not major blasts. It is suspected that Chennai was not the target as the train was running late," Tamil Nadu director general of police K Ramanujam said.

Prasanna Darnal, a 20-year-old nursing student on board, said, "It was like a small Diwali bomb going off. There were shrieks and cries of people and everyone was rushing to get out of the train."

Southern Railway general manager Rakesh Misra told reporters the blasts took place in S4 and S5 sleeper coaches.

The injured, including two hurt seriously, were rushed to a state-run hospital, where doctors said they were out of danger.

Hell hath no fury like a man chasing his wife's banana-hammock-wearing boy-toy down the streets of Tijuana.

The hilarious, almost cartoonish YouTube video above -- which made the rounds on Reddit Tuesday -- appears to show just that: A man clad only in a black banana hammock clings to his cowboy hat and runs like the wind, stalked by the alleged cuckolded husband a few steps behind.

The jury's still out if this video is a fake -- as one Redditor pointed out, it seems almost too good to be true. ("If a naked guy came running down the street, I wouldn't have time to think 'Hey, let's introduce this to my YouTube fans' and casually pan round to time the run-by perfectly.")

If it is real, we sure hope our scantily clad cowboy learned his lesson: Don't take a roll in the hay with another dude's wife unless you're prepared to run down the street (nearly) naked and afraid.

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 Unshaken by the latest surge in violence, Iraqis braved the threat of bombs and attacks to vote Wednesday in key elections for a new parliament amid a massive security operation as the country slides deeper into sectarian strife.

Hundreds of thousands of troops and police fanned out to guard voting centers in the first nationwide balloting since the 2011 American pullout. Scattered attacks still took place north of Baghdad, killing at least three people and wounding 16.

Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, who has held power for eight years, faces growing criticism over government corruption and persistent bloodshed as sectarian tensions threaten to push Iraq back toward the brink of civil war.

The 63-year-old Shiite leader's State of Law party was widely expected to win the most seats in the 328-member parliament but to fall short of a majority. That would allow al-Maliki to keep his post only if he can cobble together a coalition — a task made more difficult given the divisions with former Sunni Arab and Kurdish allies.

Even some of al-Maliki's Shiite backers denounce him as a would-be dictator, amassing power for himself, but most in the majority sect see no alternative. Al-Maliki also has the support of neighboring powerhouse Iran, which aides have said will use its weight to push discontented Shiite factions into backing him for another term.

Polls opened across the energy-rich nation at 7 a.m. (0400 GMT, midnight Tuesday EST) and were to close at 6 p.m. There were 22 million eligible voters, choosing from among some 9,000 candidates.

In central Baghdad, police and army manned checkpoints roughly 500 meters (yards) apart, while pickup trucks with machine-guns perched on top roamed the streets. Much of the city looked deserted without the normal traffic congestion. Most stores were closed.

Voters are being subjected to multiple searches before being allowed inside polling centers and surrounding streets were blocked by police trucks and barbed wire.

"I decided to go and vote early while it's safe. Crowds attract attacks," Azhar Mohammed said as she and her husband approached a polling station in Baghdad's mainly Shiite Karradah district. The 37-year-old woman said her brother — a soldier — was killed last week in the northern city of Mosul.

"There has been a big failure in the way the country has been run and I think it is time to elect new people," she said, shrouded in black.

Not far away, 72-year-old Essam Shukr broke into tears as he remembered a son killed in a suicide bombing in Karradah last month. "I hope this election takes us to the shores of safety," he said. "We want a better life for our sons and grandchildren who cannot even go to playgrounds or amusement parks because of the bad security situation. We want a better life for all Iraqis."

"Sister, Sister" star Tamera Mowry rocks a pink bikini in the new issue of In Touch Weekly, and looks really good doing it.

"It's the first time I’ve been in a bikini since my honeymoon," Mowry, who married Fox news correspondent Adam Housley in 2011, tells In Touch. "I feel great"

She's all smiles in the photo as she poses with her 1-year-old son Aden.

Mowry, 35, who says she's now 127 pounds, has been following her own healthy schedule, explaining that she wanted to enjoy being a new mom, first and foremost. After she stopped nursing Aden when he was seven months old, she cut 500 calories from her 1,700-calorie-a-day breastfeeding diet and started working out five days a week.

"I wanted to spend time bonding with my baby, not killing myself at the gym," she tells In Touch.

Check out Tamera's bikini body below and pick up the new issue of In Touch Weekly, on newsstands now.

With a single finger, Jennifer Lawrence let her true feelings for the paparazzi be known.

The "Hunger Games" star stepped out for dinner with Tom Ford and boyfriend Nicholas Hoult at the Chilton Firehouse in London on Thursday night, April 24. Afterwards, photographers surrounded them as they made their way from the restaurant into a waiting cab.

Lawrence was having none of it and flipped the paparazzi the middle finger from the backseat of the cab as it pulled away. Hoult seemingly attempted to get her to put her hand down, but Lawrence's message was loud and clear.

Danica McKellar broke a rib Thursday, April 24, while rehearsing for "Dancing with the Stars." The former "Wonder Years" actress tweeted to her over 90,000 Twitter followers:

Hopefully, she and dance partner Val Chmerkovskiy can come up with a way to pull through together before Monday night's episode.

McKellar is hardly the first "DWTS" contestant to get injured in a dancing-related accident. Last year, Bill Nye, The Science Guy, hurt his knee on the show. He uploaded a picture to Instagram at the time. Nye wrote, "Here is the scoop: partially torn ligament. Awaiting the doc's orders with Tyne. We plan to dance! Stand by..."

The year before, 2012, opera singer Katherine Jenkins hurt her back dancing. "Thank you for all your concerned tweets... I'm with the Doctor, he says it was a reflectorical spasm in my lower back," she tweeted after the show. She later went on to become runner-up in the season finale.

In 2011, "DWTS" pro Kym Johnson injured her neck while practicing with dance partner Hines Ward. Despite the scary looking injury, the show released a statement saying that after several tests, Kym was cleared by the medical staff, though "bruised, sore" and "wearing a neck brace." She went on to win that year's competition.

The above is a contemporary-styled video complete with gyrating dancers who would seem more at home on MTV, dancing with Miley Cyrus, than in a clip set to Antonín Dvořák's Symphony No. 9.

And the group behind the video, a Belgian classical music festival called "B-Classic," says that's the whole point. The group is hoping this video, which it's calling "the first modern music video for a classical composer," can spark renewed youth interest in classical music.

"B-Classic wants to give classical music the same recognition as pop and rock music," an explanation on the group's website reads. "That's why we are proud to announce The Classical Comeback: a new music video format that combines the timeless emotion of classical music with the visual talent of a contemporary director."

Watch the clip above, and view a short documentary on the classical music video below:

A decades-old urban legend was put to rest Saturday when workers for a documentary film production company recovered "E.T." Atari game cartridges from a heap of garbage buried deep in the New Mexico desert.

The "Atari grave" was, until that moment, a highly debated tale among gaming enthusiasts and other self-described geeks for 30 years. The story claimed that in its death throes, the video game company sent about a dozen truckloads of cartridges of what many call the worst video game ever to be forever hidden in a concrete-covered landfill in southeastern New Mexico.

The search for the cartridges of a game that contributed to the demise of Atari will be featured in an upcoming documentary about the biggest video game company of the early '80s.

As a backhoe scattered a huge scoop of 30-year-old trash and dirt over the sand, the film crew spotted boxes and booklets carrying the Atari logo. Soon after, a game cartridge turned up, then another and another.

Film director Zak Penn showed assembled gaming fans one cartridge retrieved from the site and said that hundreds more were in the surrounding mounds of garbage.

About 200 residents and game enthusiasts gathered early Saturday at the old landfill in Alamogordo to watch crews search for up to a million discarded copies of "E.T. The Extraterrestrial" that the game's maker wanted to hide forever.

"I feel pretty relieved and psyched that they actually got to see something," Penn said as members of the production team sifted through the mounds of trash, pulling out boxes, games and other Atari products.

Most of the crowd left the landfill before the discovery, turned away by strong winds that kicked up massive clouds of dust mingled with garbage.

By the time the games were found, only a few dozen people remained. Some were playing the infamous game in a makeshift gaming den with a TV and an 1980s game console in the back of a van, while others took selfies beside a life-size E.T. doll inside a DeLorean car like the one that was turned into a time machine in the "Back To The Future" movies.

Among the watchers was Armando Ortega, a city official who as a teenager back in 1983 got a tip from a landfill employee about the massive dump of games.