When I decided to become a professional sexuality educator, I had one particular goal: I wanted women to speak honestly about sex in order to maximize their physical and emotional pleasure. Sure, that may seem like a tall order, but I'm an optimist. Why is this an important issue? There are lots of women engaging in sex (of all kinds) but not having pleasurable experiences. That seems silly to me. If you're having sex (of any kind), it should be fulfilling on a number of levels. So here is just a small sample of the physical and emotional issues that can affect your ability to enjoy sex and in many cases, you can do something about it. But the first step is figuring out what is going on.
1. You're Just Not Ready
In order to really enjoy sex, your body needs to be ready. Not just mentally or emotionally ready, but physically, biologically ready.
Before a woman can experience orgasm, her body goes through a sexual response cycle (Masters and Johnson). During that cycle, a woman gets aroused, blood pools in her genitals and breasts, there is increased muscle tension, vaginal lubrication and expansion of the vagina. And that's not all: the labia spread and her breasts and clitoris swell. As the cycle continues, women develop a "sex flush" (a reddish blush over the breasts and genital area) and the labia spread even further ... basically the labia are saying "I'm ready!" Now, that's great, but most of us have intercourse before we get to that point. And you know what your body is saying then? "Wait -- a little more foreplay, please! Soon ... just not yet." But if we are not voicing that to our partners, we're not maximizing our sexual pleasure. Foreplay isn't just something that we like; foreplay is something that we need. If a woman isn't lubricated enough (and not all women produce enough vaginal lubrication; this is why we buy some at the drug store or specialty sex boutique), sex isn't going to be as enjoyable as it could be if we were really ready.
2. You're Guilty
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Other than our skin, our brains are our biggest sex organ. If our brain isn't into sex, it's extraordinary difficult for our bodies to be. Perhaps the biggest contributor to our brain's inability to fully engage and enjoy sex comes from years of mixed and unhealthy messaging about female sexuality. If during your childhood you were told about the "loose" girls or the (ugh, I hate this term) "promiscuous" ones, you were getting some insidious messages about female sexuality. You were being told (deliberately or inadvertently) about the sexual double standard. You were not supposed to want sex; you weren't supposed to enjoy sex. (Sadly, with the "slut" banter and anti-contraception movement going on today, it still seems like demonizing female sexuality is acceptable and a means of achieving political success.)
Guilt and shame surrounding sex creates a mindset where it's very difficult to be fully engaged in sex (of any kind). Perhaps if we stopped shaming we could get to a place of enjoying.
3. You're Not Into Your Partner
Okay, so no one really wants to be the one to say it, but if you're not enjoying sex, it may be because you're not really interested in the person you're having sex with. Maybe they are selfish lovers; maybe their hygiene is questionable. For whatever reason, if your partner isn't getting you excited, sex isn't going to be all that exciting. Of course, there's always the chance that your lack of interest isn't that extreme. Maybe you've had a fight with your partner and you're angry. In some cases, no amount of make up sex is going to make it okay. Think about your relationship and if it is playing a role in whether or not sex is satisfying for you.
Recently, I came across a blog post by a personal trainer in which she explored one of my least favorite terms as applied to women's bodies -- the word "bulky." Any weight-training woman is familiar with this term, as it is often the first thing other women will say as their reason for refusing to lift weights. The idea is that lifting weights will lead to the development of big muscles, and the development of big muscles means a woman will no longer be beautiful and will instead be manly, unattractive, scary and doomed to a sex-free, love-free life.
The comments on the blog post illustrated this line of thought clearly, as woman after woman expressed dismay that she had taken up heavy lifting and was horrified to see that her body had developed muscles. Some even clearly articulated their belief that in doing so, they had crossed a very bright line in which women were meant to be weaker and protected by the men they loved.
The women had set out in pursuit of the slender, compact body most often displayed by female celebrities, and instead they found themselves becoming muscular. It didn't matter that they were also stronger and that they were most likely healthier, with tougher bones and a stronger heart. What mattered was that they were bigger.
As I read through those comments, I reflected on a TED talk given by writer Chimamanda Adichie (watch below) in which she spoke about the "danger of the single story." She described growing up in Nigeria and yet writing stories in which her blonde-haired, blue-eyed characters ate apples and played in snow. Every book she had read was written by British authors about British life, and as a result she hadn't realized it was possible to write books about her own life. She thought the only way to be worthy of literature was to be a foreigner.
I thought about her words and I realized that we as a culture had accepted the single story of the "ideal body" so thoroughly that no room remained for alternate definitions of female beauty. Take the comments on the aforementioned blog post. The "ideal female body" -- a slim figure with breasts that aren't too big and thighs that don't touch and a butt that isn't too flat and nothing that jiggles too much -- is desired with such single-mindedness that the non-cosmetic benefits of weight training are dismissed without a second thought.
I use the example of women and muscles because that is what I, as an athletic woman who lifts weights, am most familiar with. However, the story of the single ideal body manifests itself in breast augmentation and pumping parties, in gimmicky diets and weight-loss gadgets bought on installment plans, in firming creams and treatments meant to zap cellulite into non-existence. Fortunes are spent and made in pursuit of the "ideal body," and yet the only thing that has happened is that the ideal has become even more unattainable than ever before.
It's not hard to see how this happened, either. Look at our culture, at the bodies represented on television and in magazines and in movies and in advertising. Just as Adichie only thought she could write stories about white children in snowy climates, we as a culture have trouble envisioning a standard of beauty that is not tall, thin, able-bodied and European. Even when we do embrace someone who does not fit that standard, we tend to be very self-congratulatory about it, thus undoing whatever progress was gained by reducing that person into little more than a symbol of our open-mindedness.
Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant spoke to reporters on Friday for the first time since the team traded his longtime backcourt running mate, Derek Fisher, following the Lakers' 97-92 win over the Minnesota Timberwolves.
His words were measured. While some expected Bryant to unleash a tirade after management parted ways with Fisher, considering the pair won five championships together and came into the league together as rookies in 1996, Bryant's message to the media was more somber than sharp.
"Very difficult," Bryant said. "I'm not used to it because I've been with him my entire career, aside from that little stint that he had away from us. So, it's very different for me. It's pretty weird."
Added Bryant in his ESPN 710 Radio postgame interview, "I think I was shocked just like everybody else ... We've always been close and we'll continue to be close."
For more news and notes on the Lakers, check out the Land O' Lakers blog from the Kamenetzky brothers. Blog
When asked if he was angry about the trade that sent Fisher, along with a first-round pick to the Houston Rockets in exchange for forward Jordan Hill, Bryant said, simply, "No."
"I've been here for awhile and I've had some of my closest friends go, starting with Caron [Butler], Ronny Turiaf, Lamar Odom and Derek," Bryant said. "So I've been through it so many times before."
However, Bryant did not hide his irritation when asked when he was informed the Fisher trade had occurred.
"Don't start no [expletive]," Bryant said. "I'm not even going to answer it. Everybody would be too shocked."
Bryant said he had been in contact with Fisher on several occasions since the trade occurred Thursday.
"I don't get that sentimental about it," Bryant said. "I texted him [Thursday] and we kind of had a laugh about it because he knows how I am. We just talked about the good times and what a fun time it was to go to battle together and things like that, but that's about as sentimental as I'm going to get."
When asked to describe Fisher's mood following the trade, Bryant said, "You guys got to ask Derek. He's much more politically correct than I am ... Talk to Derek about it. I'm sure he'll answer it the way he best sees fit."
Bryant said the hardest thing to replace about Fisher will be his championship experience.
"That doesn't happen by accident," said Bryant. "There's a reason why players that have multiple championships have multiple championships. There's a certain characteristic and an understanding and knowledge and that's not something that's easily taught. You kind of have to go through it and it kind of has to be part of your DNA from the beginning. So, that's something that's obviously tough to replace but we believe that [Ramon] Sessions has that DNA."
After the semi-shocking Jermaine Jones disqualification last night, I had some doubts that "American Idol" would eliminate another contestant this week, but apparently sentimentality wasn't going to get in the way of a good show.
Though it was a sub-par week that saw plenty of contestants finding loopholes for the "song from the year of your birth" theme by using covers of older tunes, there were a few standout performances -- most notably Joshua Ledet's rousing rendition of "When a Man Loves a Woman." Tonight's results were, again, all filler and no thriller, complete with a cameo from Tommy Hilfiger -- who is apparently tasked with being the show's "image advisor," poor thing -- and performances by Demi Lovato and Chris Daughtry.
But all you really want to know is who was shown the door, and that contestant was ...
Shannon Magrane.
Her performance of Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men's "One Sweet Day" was weak and pitchy on Wednesday night, but in true "Idol" fashion, the judges loved it. "I was honestly terrified for you, but you did a beautiful job with that," Jennifer told her last night, while Randy called her "fearless." Luckily, America and Jimmy Iovine weren't half as tone-deaf as the judges apparently were, and after an encore performance designed to tempt the judges into using their coveted "Save" on her, the statuesque 16-year-old was sent packing. She kept a smile on her face, but I'm sure she was crying on the inside.
All the other contestants will be making the rounds on the "Idol" tour once the season is over, and now I'm sure the systematic removal of all the women in the competition will resume, as it does every season. Still, Shannon was a smart choice to go home since she's still young and vocally immature, and she clearly needs to overcome her confidence issues before taking on such big songs on such a huge platform. Joining her in the bottom three were Erika Van Pelt and Elise Testone, because a pretty male face is apparently far more important than vocal range or stage presence.
The Hollywood Reporter that Nolan on Friday presented his first cut of 2012's most-anticipated film to top Warner Bros. executives, including film chief Jeff Robinov and production president Greg Silverman.
The movie doesn’t open until July 20, but Nolan has allowed himself plenty of time to fine-tune the film as he and the brass see fit. Sources say Nolan has been a fixture on the Warners lot during the past few days after finishing a monthslong shoot and editing process. The follow-up to 2008's $1 billion-grossing The Dark Knight was filmed in locations as diverse as Los Angeles, New York, New Jersey and Pittsburgh as well as in parts of India and the U.K.
The Batman tale returns most of the cast from Dark Knight, including Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman and Gary Oldman, along with a new crop of luminaries including Anne Hathaway, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Marion Cotillard and Tom Hardy as villain Bane.
The movie opens a week after July's Comic-Con convention, which Nolan has never attended. Nolan’s previous tentpole movies – Batman Begins, The Dark Knight and Inception – have opened before Comic-Con during their respective summers, but in light of the latest movie’s release date, speculation has already begun that this year will be different.
Gallagher's manager, Christine Scherrer, has told The Huffington Post that the comedian is currently in an induced coma and will remain so for the next 24 hours to relax and recover. She said his family is with him and, according to his doctors, all signs are good.
His performance dates for this weekend and next have been rescheduled but upcoming dates remain in place. Scherrer also said that Gallagher had been in excellent health since his previous heart attack last year. This is the first incident since that time.
On Wednesday night, Gallagher did a meet-and-greet with his fans prior to his scheduled show at Hat Tricks in Lewisville, Texas, and suffered a heart attack in his green room before taking the stage.
Previously:
According to his management company Too Fun Promotions, Gallagher, the iconic and often polarizing comedian who made a name for himself by smashing watermelons with a sledge hammer during his shows, is currently hospitalized after suffering a heart attack.
The comedian was scheduled to perform at Hat Tricks in Lewisville, Texas, when, shortly before his performance, he began to suffer severe chest pains and was rushed to the hospital, where he remains for the time being, according to TMZ.
The comedian has become a somewhat controversial figure in the comedy community in recent years, coming under fire for some of his material, and famously walking out of his appearance on Marc Maron's beloved WTF Podcast. Despite that, he still commands sold-out audiences across the country and tours continuously.
Gallagher suffered an earlier heart attack almost exactly a year ago while performing on stage at Whiskey Bone's Roadhouse in Rochester, Minn. In a video of the incident, Gallagher is seen collapsing immediately after smashing what appears to be a bottle of ketchup.
Two weeks later, at a performance in Boca Raton, Fla., he explained to his audience, "I almost died two weeks ago ... these are extra days that I've been given. I guess God said, 'Wait a minute, Boca ain't had their show yet.' So it's not me, it's God's will we have this show tonight." He continued, "You can like God all you want to but I'm pissed at him ... I had a heart attack while I was doing sledge-o-matic, which is gonna look great in the paper. But now I could die doing something stupid and my story won't be as cool."
Do not read on if you have not seen Season 3, Episode 16 of The CW's The Vampire Diaries, entitled, "1912."
Well, that was interesting. As any fan of "The Vampire Diaries" knows, you have to be ready for anything -- to expect the unexpected -- but was anyone actually expecting that?
The mystery of the Mystic Falls serial killer was finally solved, resulting in one of the most shocking moments in the series' history. Alaric was the one killing off the council members. He killed Meredith's jerk of an ex-boyfriend, Caroline's father, and ironically, he nearly killed himself.
In an effort to "hang" with Stefan -- you know, "brother bonding" -- Damon takes his baby bro on a walk down memory lane, where they recall a similar string of murders happening throughout Mystic Falls in 1912.
The only factor linking the two cases was the magical Gilbert ring that Alaric and Jeremy wear now. Hopefully, this means that we'll finally get to understand more about the ring and its powers. And should we be worried about Jeremy? After all, we haven't seen him in a while. How do we know that his ring isn't making him go completely bonkers?
But perhaps the biggest question is whether or not Alaric is curable? With actor Matt Davis heading to The CW's "Cult" pilot, things don't look good for Alaric's diagnosis. And since we know how Alaric likes to get himself into trouble, if he takes the ring off, is his death imminent?
I hope not. Alaric and Elena's brother-sister relationship is quite honestly one of my favorites on the show, and I would hate to see what kind of an emotional -- and dangerous -- wreck Elena would be without him.
Now that our brains have all been thrown for a loop -- and with the mystery finally solved -- let's focus on some of my favorite parts of the episode, all of which involve the Salvatore brothers. I have to be honest. My favorite "Vampire Diaries" relationship is the one between Damon and Stefan. This season, the Salvatore brothers have come closer than ever to repairing their relationship, and Damon's heartfelt confession to Stefan by the episode's end proves that maybe they can finally be brothers again.
In 1912, their roles have been reversed. It's Stefan who reaches out to his brother and tries to convince him that he's changed. Fast forward 100 years, and it's Damon who invites an obviously thirsty Stefan on a hunt to find the killer.
Terrified neighbors implored dispatchers to send police as a voice in the background screamed for help in 911 recordings released after the shooting of an unarmed Florida teen.
Trayvon Martin, 17, was returning from the store to the Sanford home of his father's fiancee when he has shot last month.
Authorities released seven 911 calls Friday, all of which describe hearing a gunshot.
The teen's parents broke down when they heard the recordings detailing the last moments of his life, said their attorney, Benjamin Crump.
"They are completely devastated, and they are in unbelievable grief," Crump told CNN affiliate WKMG.
Martin was carrying a drink and candy when George Zimmerman, a neighborhood watch captain, called 911 to report a suspicious man, authorities said.
The 911 dispatcher told Zimmerman not to confront him. But by the time police arrived, Martin lay dead with a gunshot wound in the chest, according to Sanford Police Chief Bill Lee.
911 tapes released Friday detail moments of terror in the neighborhood as residents made a flurry of calls describing a gunshot and a teen wailing for help.
In some of the recordings, a voice screams "Help, help!" in the background.
"There were gunshots right outside my house. There's someone screaming, I just heard a guy shot," a neighbor says. "Hurry up, they are right outside my house."
Recordings mirrored the same details: A man outside was crying for help, followed by the sound of a gunshot.
"Hurry please ... there's someone screaming outside," a neighbor whispers. "There's a gunshot, hurry up ... there's someone screaming. I just heard a gunshot."
In another call, a woman begs the dispatchers to send help, saying someone is "screaming and hollering" for help.
A collection of never-before-seen photos of Marilyn Monroe — and their accompanying copyrights — are going up for auction.
Celebrity auctioneer Darren Julien says more than 100 images of Monroe will be sold the highest bidders later this month.
The photos come from the estate of Allan "Whitey" Snyder, Monroe's personal makeup artist for 15 years. One image shows Snyder applying makeup to a lingerie-wearing Monroe on the set of "Let's Make Love" in 1960.
Letters, telegrams and a money clip from Monroe to Snyder are also among the lots set to be sold during Julien's Auctions' Hollywood Legends sale on March 31 and April 1. The auction also includes memorabilia from Frank Sinatra, James Dean, Charlie Chaplin and Sammy Davis, Jr.
Salma Hayek was spotted at Los Angeles International Airport wearing a printed silk suit resembling pajamas this week, and she's not the only one to sport sleek sleepwear while out and about.
Whether donning PJs for a theme party, taking a leisurely post-breakfast stroll or favoring fluid fabrics on the red carpet, the following celebs have turned a bedtime staple into a comfy fashion statement.
