When I decided to become a professional sexuality educator, I had one particular goal: I wanted women to speak honestly about sex in order to maximize their physical and emotional pleasure. Sure, that may seem like a tall order, but I'm an optimist. Why is this an important issue? There are lots of women engaging in sex (of all kinds) but not having pleasurable experiences. That seems silly to me. If you're having sex (of any kind), it should be fulfilling on a number of levels. So here is just a small sample of the physical and emotional issues that can affect your ability to enjoy sex and in many cases, you can do something about it. But the first step is figuring out what is going on.

1. You're Just Not Ready

In order to really enjoy sex, your body needs to be ready. Not just mentally or emotionally ready, but physically, biologically ready.

Before a woman can experience orgasm, her body goes through a sexual response cycle (Masters and Johnson). During that cycle, a woman gets aroused, blood pools in her genitals and breasts, there is increased muscle tension, vaginal lubrication and expansion of the vagina. And that's not all: the labia spread and her breasts and clitoris swell. As the cycle continues, women develop a "sex flush" (a reddish blush over the breasts and genital area) and the labia spread even further ... basically the labia are saying "I'm ready!" Now, that's great, but most of us have intercourse before we get to that point. And you know what your body is saying then? "Wait -- a little more foreplay, please! Soon ... just not yet." But if we are not voicing that to our partners, we're not maximizing our sexual pleasure. Foreplay isn't just something that we like; foreplay is something that we need. If a woman isn't lubricated enough (and not all women produce enough vaginal lubrication; this is why we buy some at the drug store or specialty sex boutique), sex isn't going to be as enjoyable as it could be if we were really ready.

2. You're Guilty

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Other than our skin, our brains are our biggest sex organ. If our brain isn't into sex, it's extraordinary difficult for our bodies to be. Perhaps the biggest contributor to our brain's inability to fully engage and enjoy sex comes from years of mixed and unhealthy messaging about female sexuality. If during your childhood you were told about the "loose" girls or the (ugh, I hate this term) "promiscuous" ones, you were getting some insidious messages about female sexuality. You were being told (deliberately or inadvertently) about the sexual double standard. You were not supposed to want sex; you weren't supposed to enjoy sex. (Sadly, with the "slut" banter and anti-contraception movement going on today, it still seems like demonizing female sexuality is acceptable and a means of achieving political success.)

Guilt and shame surrounding sex creates a mindset where it's very difficult to be fully engaged in sex (of any kind). Perhaps if we stopped shaming we could get to a place of enjoying.

3. You're Not Into Your Partner

Okay, so no one really wants to be the one to say it, but if you're not enjoying sex, it may be because you're not really interested in the person you're having sex with. Maybe they are selfish lovers; maybe their hygiene is questionable. For whatever reason, if your partner isn't getting you excited, sex isn't going to be all that exciting. Of course, there's always the chance that your lack of interest isn't that extreme. Maybe you've had a fight with your partner and you're angry. In some cases, no amount of make up sex is going to make it okay. Think about your relationship and if it is playing a role in whether or not sex is satisfying for you.